Total eclipse of the heart

not exactly in the best of frame of minds... been listening to the total eclipse of heart... togather we can take it to the end of line... turn around... everynow and then i get a little terrified... everynow then i fall apart...and i need you tonight and i need you more then ever... and if you only hold me tonight... and i need you more then over... if you hold me tight...i dont know what to do...once upon a time i was fallen in love...now i am just fallen apart... nothen i can say a total eclipse of the heart... forever is goinna start tonight...
and i dont even have any one to sing this too... that is what has started to bother me... i remember when i was doing my fsc...the next thing was graduation... did my graduation... then it was work... did work which was envy of alot... at that time the next thing was masters... thought that after that there might be some rest... dont see any rest on horizon... and i wouldnt mind having no rest...if only i had some one to be restless with...
i havent met a single person with whom i would want to spend the rest of my life with... when someone said that i was a man without heart... i reinforced that statement... but some how now i am missing the absence of it... there are smiles... flutter of eyelashes... touches..hugs... but no feelings... and that has started to scare me... open options everwhere... the line between right and wrong is become more and more thin and obscure... the whole defination of right and wrong are changing....
some say love it is a river ...that drowns the tender reed... some say love it is a razor... that leads your soul to bleed... some say that love... it is a hunger... an endless aching need...

Told ya... not in the best frame of mind...

Lunatic Ramblings

Not complaining...

All my life i have tried to come up to someone elses expectations... not that i am complaining or anything but today i realized that what ever aims, ambitions and desires i have ever had had been propbably been influenced by people who i love and cherish the most... Walt disney once said that no dream is un achievable...all u need is courage to achieve it...and i think evryone can muster that much courage to do so...but then again every dream comes with a responsibility... note: not mentioning price but responsibility... I have always tried to make some one happy by my actions...have always altered myself to be what was expected of me...when i was expected to have no heart.... i just didnt had any heart...not complaining...when i was supposed to react....i reacted.... not complaining....when i was suposed to be soft...i was soft... when i was supposed to be strong...i was strong.... and the most interesting one which i find fascinating is when i was expected to give advice...i gave advice... and sometimes even suprised my self too... probably that is the reason why i am not complaining... I dont know whether i have but i would like to think that i have tried to fulfill what ever was expected of me... but when i get to sit by myself...which i do a lot of given the situation i am and have always been i sometimes wonder... what exactly i am... people find it difficult to answer the question "who i am" that i dont have any problems with... my question is what i am??? because what ever is the given norm...given expectation...given definations... i dont seem to fit in it... i contradict something everytime... an oxymoron... a plain moron probably...i have had change all my life... beautiful memories... of snowcovered varrn mountains...of serene quite turqoise lakes... of apple trees in bitter yet sunny winter days with not a single leave on it but deep red apples in a valley tinkiling with brooks... of the most peaceful evenings in a dessert where the only sound you can hear is a far off tang tang of a bell in some cows neck...of watching the full moon rise and to eat a dinner under its light... of riding horses surounded by the most megnificent mountains... of looking down from a 16th floor at 2 inthe morning and seeing fireworks bursting into dazzling colours below you...of genuine hugs and misty eyes... of surprises at 3 in the morining when you have told that you are in wales....all these memories have also influenced me into what i am... but theses memories were created by people who also made these expectations for me.... so am i actually trying to do what they want me to do just to say that i am thankful to them for giving me these memories can bring a smile on my face at anytime any where... but in all of that... still wonder what am i... what do i want...

Lunatic Ramblings