Eclipsed paradigm of a soul…

2010-12-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

i cant take it any more......

what more

2010-12-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

Its been ages since i wrote something... anything... suprisingly when i google my self this is what comes up... my blog.. anyway just felt like coming here and writing... this is becoming my secret cave... a place where i come sit, smile, cry and then go back to the realities of life...
anyway have fallen again for some one with whom things would just not work out... 2010 was the worst year ever... i know i am being ungreatful and all but honest... this is the year i found out that side of me which i had suppressed for all my life...i am not exactly that great a person that i thought i was.... i like to smoke... and i smoked... god knows i smoked and smoked and smoked... and i enjoyed it... hell i enjoyed forgetting every single shred of conclusive thought that existed in my pea sized brain... i see possibilities becoming impossibilities... the worst is probably the fact that when you realized that all what you hoped for was actually an un relaistic pile of bull crap. life is not what we were led to belive it would be... if technically i see my self i m living the dream... all who look at me envy me... some say it on my face some say it with eyes... some plainly bitch behind my back... great education, an acceptable job, only kid of an extemly powerful man and an extemly loving woman... not exactly an ogre... well read, confident, well travelled, what else is there...BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH... i am being greedy and selfish and thankless and big headed... but you know what i giving flying fuck... i want more out of life... but now the question is what more??!?!? what exactly more

Lunatic Ramblings

chats and compliments

2009-11-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

i knew i would be back last night cause this is like flue which lasts for three days or in this case three nights in a row. conflicted and confused seems synonymus with my existance although was just told today by some one who i never expected a compliment from that "u r one of the most composed men i have seen who knows exactly what to do and where you are going. you take life as a planned immaculately calculated something something"
if only he knew.... anyway was extatic cause i got to chat...lol
waiting paid off....

Lunatic Ramblings

My Way

2009-11-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

"this world is too fragile for people to be untrue... there is too much at stake... and life is too short for lies..." people so comfortably say these sort ov things... if this world was that fragile it would have bin blasted to smitherens long time back because people have bin untrue there have been lies and that too because there has been too much at stake. two months and i am back at the dash board writing away... again have no clue what i am writing and for what fucking reason i am writing... but i am writing... i dont know whether i wrote this fact earlier or not but who cares i am gonna say it again... i dont make things easier for myself... i just have to make them difficult... if there is a path which is nice and smooth and sunny and bright i would chose the path which was dark dreary difficult and exhusting... and where ther is no such option i just go and make the path which would be difficult and dreary and frightning and dangerous.

As frank senatra said... i did it my way... and now the end is near... the final curtain... my friends i will say it clear and state my case of which i am certain... i have lived a life which is full i have travelled each and every highway and more of this i did it my way... regrets i have had a few but then again to few to mention... i did what i had to do... and saw it through without exemption... i planned each chartered course each careful step along the byway... and more much more then this i did it my way.... yes there were times im sure u knew when i bit off more then i could chew and through it all when there was doubts i ate it all and spit it out i faced it all and i stood tall... and did it my way... i have loved... i have laughed and cried i have my share my fill of losing... and now as tears subside i find it all so amusing... to think i did all that and may i say not in a shy way oh no... i did it my way...... let the record show i took the blow and did it my way....

yes i did it my way but then i wont recommed it to any one... the sense... the completely utterly sense of bein master of destiny is so euphoric that for a minute one thinks that one is literally king of kings... but then again doing it my way always leaves u by urself .. alone... tired... and here infront of ur blog for which even u need energy to write and u find urself going blank...i still wait... she would never know and i think i am getting in return for what i did to someone else... but then again i think this is too soft for what i did... i still wear the ring hoping that the magic of it would be enough... damn i have become like one of those sicko morons... i am better then that... i am stronger then that... i will survive on my own... and conquer what has to be conquered... but for that one month when i wasent myself... when sun shone... and the lattes tasted extra brilliant infront of the sphinx.... when the bluest of blue eyes were only mine with twinkle which could literally be brighter then all the suns of this universe... when the smile were genuinely of joy for just being able to be near even though it was nothing but a roman holiday.... nothing else mattered... i am tired cant write any more... probably will come back tomorrow to write more... probably would not...

Lunatic Ramblings

My words of power

2009-08-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

The last thing i wanted was my blog to become a page of my diary.... but somehow this seems to be my only way out... not that i dont have other options...not that i havent tried those options... just the sense of guilt afterwards is not worth it...or is it.. cause just writing here does not seem to give me anything back... no guilt, no respite, no sense of achievement all in all...no escape. today was the day of cliches...was walkin besides the canal...was happy cause one of the obstacles had been taken off my path...the path i know is the right path...the path which i supposedly am destined to walk...one which came to my mind was "good men always win in end" or something similar to that...but the thing is that i havent seen any good man winning the lasts... the sound of dreams shattering cannot be heard... these good men are like the fragments of these shattered dreams...un heared... weak and pretty pointless as of no use...not that i dont admire their courage or lets put it this way of being an important factor in keeping the oh so famous balance of good and bad...
well anyway...that word "anyway"...i was once told that words have power and i always thought that the words which had power were probably something out of Koran or some magical words like spells...today walking besides the canal i realized that we all...every single human being know these words of power...and mother of all suprises they are nothing like the words i thought they would be...yes they have power to move the mountain... and yes they have the power to bring tidal waves and open magical doors...but these moving of mountains, these tidal waves and these magical doors are nothing like what we could actually see with our eyes... they all are some where so far... yet so close... for some they are aware of it but for most they dont even know that they all have been always there... they dont even have words to express because all they can do is feel... that sudden twist of stomach... that sudden missed heartbeat... that sudden rush of colour to a face and that electrifying tremble in fingers... the hoaresness of voice ending in a wisper...all these because of the power of words...anyway...wha..yes...no...my words of power....

Lunatic Ramblings

still...

2009-08-16T11:18:00.001-07:00

The previous post "thought bin" was probably the best example of when we say that i just didnt made sense so much was goin on in my head that they all seemed like disconnected sentences, fragments of thoughts which just need to be out... now with a person like me who literally dont have anyone to dump that stuff on blog seemed the most obvious place cause there is only one person who actually bothers to read what i have written and somehow that person is alrite... also i think instead of just blaming fate for not having anyone to talk to i think some blame lies on myself too.... not that people werent kind enough to offer themselves its just that in my self i dont want to lay it all out... i dont want to be a cliche such as "i am an open book" "ask me anything and i shall tell" with me i would fuckin hate to be an open book and yeah i do say ask me anything and i shall tell but does that mean that i would actually tell... with telling there are two options 1) what you want me to tell and 2) what i want to tell... now not that all of us are but mostly we all want others to say what we want... so many chat shows and people keep saying that we always say what is on our mind but we dont usually... and thats alrite cause everything and i would emphasise that every fucking thing in ths world is relative.... there are no rules there are no principles... what ever we study in physics, chemistry all the theorems, rules are not exactly the same... the are actually a collection of different experiments which are similar, but are they same... i dont think so because there has to be some slight difference in them... its like making a baby... take a man... take a woman.... man fucks (make love to) the woman... pretty much the same technique... like take hydrogen...fuck it up with chlorine and whola.... in first scenario u got a baby... in second scenario u got HCL... now both the baby and HCL apparently are same cause both can be created by using the same elements and techniques at different times...but does that really happen... no it dosent cause if that did then all people would have been same... same reason all the HCL is not the same cause nothing in this world is exact to another and everything has some trait which makes it different... hence there is no right or wrong and everything is relative so why the hell do we try to categorize differnt things, scenarios, incidences, people... the psycho analists say that cause that it makes things easier for us to remember... but come on people that shouldnt just let us label or categorize everyone... we forget to see the individuals...
Anyway i Have gone beyond the stage of "thought dump" now its just that the brain has stopped workin... i have realized that people who are afraid of death are slightly amature cause they dont know that there are worse thing then losing ones soul to death cause sometimes it is probably the easy way out...cause a lost soul is worse then a soul departing to another truth... i never used to undestand when the other religions use to talk abt pergutaory...now i kinda do but that is not where the soul goes when a person is dead... it can go there even when the person is alive... it can be there when the person is surronded by every damn thing on this planet... people try to master their souls... forgeting that souls actually is what made there bodies more then mud... so i dont know why they limit them cause soul probably is the only thing which can not be bound or commanded... scientist have this easy explanation that certain chemicals trigger emotions... but i think that soul just like hydrogen when comes in contact with anyother element creats a new emotion, which for our convineance sake we can clump into categories, but every single one is different... hence we struggle and come up with sentences like " i love him but not in that way" now what the fuck is "that way" its just that whole emotion is a different emotion...
now love is something which is a very tricky emotion... some how i think my posts have started to sound like this love sick ediot which i would like to think that i am not...but it is such an in your face sort of thing that one has to say it... i mean i have been told that i have no heart... that i want to be like you (which kind ov made me feel great) imediately followed by just like you who can keep his distance from others (which made me realize how true it was). and things like that you are incapable of loving, that you are selfish and that you are too firm or strong... or that you are a push over... or that you dont give enough hugs or that you give too many hugs or that you kiss with your eyes open or that you kiss with your eyes closed that you are to hard or that you are to soft... and then there came along a person who knew me by me just being cig and we both knew that it was a short dead end and we still jumped in it...no question asked... no history told... actually nothing being said apart from polite exchange of opions on issues like weather... ducklings and choice of food... and of course exchange of compliments...nothing else and still...

Lunatic Ramblings

thought bin

2009-08-11T18:03:00.001-07:00

Umer Jamal why are u always late???? its better not to love at all then to love and lost...triumph of hope over experience...u have got dancin eyes...hel ya they fuckin tango...i miss sirius... i know u said that the apartment has victorian features but didnt realize that you meant that queen vicky actually lived in it... grave yards are so peaceful... i am doomed to be alone... i need a dog...you will marry and you will also have an extra maratil relation and both would be amazin and would not hinder each other... i need a flat... Allah this is so beautiful... i can see myself growing old here...i need money... u have fantastic hair and u r sexy... i would rather slit my wrists then be trapped in a loveless marriage...i am so fuckin tired of lying to her she deserves so much more better... man without a heart... ur eyes tell another tale...

Lunatic Ramblings

but

2009-07-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Emotions in turmoil...brain completely screwed... tired of fighting the demons and when they win consolidating myself that they also need something to be hopefull about... thankful for everything... but some how more i get emptier i feel... who am i so bothered about??? what next?? for the world... got the big grin i place and persona mastered... got the hugs...give the hugs... they are just not enough anymore... not the hormones speaking cause bin there done that and well definately not a 16 yr old anymore... walkin in the rain besides the canal... telling to the ducks that i can and i will... no doubts about that... but is that it??? the path is laid out... and i know that i am there on it... but...
baggage... never got the chance to have any...lol... forgotten most of what happened in past...people...places... smells...feelings... none are there... everytime i need to make an effort to describe them...but

Lunatic ramblings

Mr. Lonely

2009-03-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Lonely
I am Mr. Lonely
I have no body for my own
I am so lonely
I am Mr. Lonely
Wish I had someone
To call on the phone
Now I am a soldier
Lonely soldier
Away from home
Through no wish of my own
Thats why I am lonely
I am Mr. lonely
I wish that I could go back home
Letters
Never a letter
I get no letters in the mail
I have been forgotten
yeah forgotten
O how I wonder
How is it I fail
Now I am a soldier
Lonely soldier
Away from home
Through no wish of my own
That why I am lonely
I am Mr. lonely
I wish that I could go back home
by
Bobby Vinton

Lunatic Ramblings

Total eclipse of the heart

2009-02-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

not exactly in the best of frame of minds... been listening to the total eclipse of heart... togather we can take it to the end of line... turn around... everynow and then i get a little terrified... everynow then i fall apart...and i need you tonight and i need you more then ever... and if you only hold me tonight... and i need you more then over... if you hold me tight...i dont know what to do...once upon a time i was fallen in love...now i am just fallen apart... nothen i can say a total eclipse of the heart... forever is goinna start tonight...
and i dont even have any one to sing this too... that is what has started to bother me... i remember when i was doing my fsc...the next thing was graduation... did my graduation... then it was work... did work which was envy of alot... at that time the next thing was masters... thought that after that there might be some rest... dont see any rest on horizon... and i wouldnt mind having no rest...if only i had some one to be restless with...
i havent met a single person with whom i would want to spend the rest of my life with... when someone said that i was a man without heart... i reinforced that statement... but some how now i am missing the absence of it... there are smiles... flutter of eyelashes... touches..hugs... but no feelings... and that has started to scare me... open options everwhere... the line between right and wrong is become more and more thin and obscure... the whole defination of right and wrong are changing....
some say love it is a river ...that drowns the tender reed... some say love it is a razor... that leads your soul to bleed... some say that love... it is a hunger... an endless aching need...

Told ya... not in the best frame of mind...

Lunatic Ramblings

Not complaining...

2009-02-11T17:47:00.001-08:00

All my life i have tried to come up to someone elses expectations... not that i am complaining or anything but today i realized that what ever aims, ambitions and desires i have ever had had been propbably been influenced by people who i love and cherish the most... Walt disney once said that no dream is un achievable...all u need is courage to achieve it...and i think evryone can muster that much courage to do so...but then again every dream comes with a responsibility... note: not mentioning price but responsibility... I have always tried to make some one happy by my actions...have always altered myself to be what was expected of me...when i was expected to have no heart.... i just didnt had any heart...not complaining...when i was supposed to react....i reacted.... not complaining....when i was suposed to be soft...i was soft... when i was supposed to be strong...i was strong.... and the most interesting one which i find fascinating is when i was expected to give advice...i gave advice... and sometimes even suprised my self too... probably that is the reason why i am not complaining... I dont know whether i have but i would like to think that i have tried to fulfill what ever was expected of me... but when i get to sit by myself...which i do a lot of given the situation i am and have always been i sometimes wonder... what exactly i am... people find it difficult to answer the question "who i am" that i dont have any problems with... my question is what i am??? because what ever is the given norm...given expectation...given definations... i dont seem to fit in it... i contradict something everytime... an oxymoron... a plain moron probably...i have had change all my life... beautiful memories... of snowcovered varrn mountains...of serene quite turqoise lakes... of apple trees in bitter yet sunny winter days with not a single leave on it but deep red apples in a valley tinkiling with brooks... of the most peaceful evenings in a dessert where the only sound you can hear is a far off tang tang of a bell in some cows neck...of watching the full moon rise and to eat a dinner under its light... of riding horses surounded by the most megnificent mountains... of looking down from a 16th floor at 2 inthe morning and seeing fireworks bursting into dazzling colours below you...of genuine hugs and misty eyes... of surprises at 3 in the morining when you have told that you are in wales....all these memories have also influenced me into what i am... but theses memories were created by people who also made these expectations for me.... so am i actually trying to do what they want me to do just to say that i am thankful to them for giving me these memories can bring a smile on my face at anytime any where... but in all of that... still wonder what am i... what do i want...

Lunatic Ramblings

6 feet below

2008-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

It seems like eons that i have written anything... to be completely honest the words had departed... there was just nothing to write about or to write for... you know thats what i have come to realize... you run after something... it may be money, cars, people, friends..... words... it just seems that the keep on running away from you... after ever 6 feet down you think that it cant go lower then that... and then you discover that there is another 6 feet below then your previous 6 feet... and another 6 feet below... and another 6 feet below... annnd another 6 feet below...
well after all the 6 feets you suddenly pop right back on surface... hell the world is like a ball... what did you expect... you had to get out the other side... but the thing is that now everything is upside down... freaaakkkkyyyy.... and you relize that what was up before is actually down now.... what was left before is actually right... and the best of all what was so so correct before is so so wrong now... so now you are back on surface but you are completely... and i honestly and most sympathaticallly in my sick twisted completely numbed senses give my sympathies to you and tell you that it was never about how low can it get cause there definately comes a time when the lowness just dosent matter cause you get used to the dark and comforted by the darkness and lowness.... now its all about resurfacing....and u realize that there is just no no one... not even your troubled soul is with you....

Lunatic Ramblings

Sunscreen

2007-12-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

if I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Lunatic Ramblings

Incompetent

2007-10-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

it hurts....it hurts so bad...every breath every hair every pore...it all hurts...

everyday a part of ones soul die...and what is the most suprising is that one is not even aware of that bit...one never knows that that particular bit exists...dreams aspirations all go slip away from your hand and one lets it go because no mater how hard one tries they just dont stay there or they even lose that charm...why??? just because that u feel that they are not important and when once it goes there is nothing there...

a guy sitting on top of murdar mountain all by himself...he is sitting on hard earth...he is there all by himself...the sun is setting in front of him...he is there all by himself...and if he looks back his shoulder he can see spin karaise the most beautiful lake of all in shadows of sleeping beauty... he is there all by him self... the wind which blows in his face is cold... he is there all by himself...no sound except of the wind blowing over the barren dead yet simply beautiful landscape of Murdar... even he dosent know why he is there... how did he get there...who brought him there...why is he there... yet he sits there... like a stone..looking at the setting sun...breathing the ice cold air...he dosent smile... he dosent cry...he is just there...all by himself...is he a loner?...or was he left alone?...

life goes on...the same sun shines everyday... there are some smiles...some genuine some fake...

yet there are smiles...illusions are there...dreams of being a success and dreams of knowing of ones sucess...but the 3% from 1-1 and work done with all efforts x 0...yet the sun shines... friends...a piece of one soul...words lost... moments lost...memories lost... smiles lost... soul lost...and the funny thing is no one is aware of this lose...it just happens just like the bit by bit of ones soul dying... one sentence...it take sone sentence... to make or break... one sentence to tie you to one person for the rest of your life... one sentence to kill some one...one sentence to give hope... one sentence to kill one soul...

and yet he sits there by himself...

Lunatic Ramblings

love and life...

2007-09-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

we usually dont see what is right infront of us and keep on looking ahead... the future... we live for the future... we keep on taking the crap today just because we hope that taking crap now would make everything all rosy in future.... but what if we dont get to that future... we took crap in past just because we wanted the present to be great and rosy... is it just a never ending circle....
we love... we love so intensely but then the love fades out.... every breath you take is like hot molten lava... painful yet somewhat satisfying... our eyes are sparkle ... we feel all the emotions... we smile we cry...and its all so undiluted... no mixing of emotions... and then without even us knowing it it changes... we achieve and then we set out to achieve more... everyone dies everything does end but why dont we acknowledge what we have till the time its gone... and there is this huge hole blasted through your soul... and we only realize after the deed s done...

Lunatic Ramblings

everything for a reason...

2007-08-14T07:12:00.001-07:00

"is there a mail for me?" (please let there be a letter for me) "not for you... hold on do u put Mian before your name? because i have a mail for some Mian Umer" "yeah yeah thats me" (yes i made it)....

"amma i dont think i will be able to go... usman will go and i will be stuck here... i think i should start to apply within the university... i might get a job as an assistant professor"(is this all i could get)...

"Usman i am going on 25th yara dont worry things will work out and you will come too dont worry ok" (Ya Allah please please now that i am going please let me come upto my parents expectations.. i dont want to waste my parents precious hard earned money.. i dont want to end up like a loser... ya Allah make me successful)...

"salamalikum ammi how are you" " walikumasalam beta " " so..???" " so what???" " amma its only three minutes call please tell me baba made it na.... congratulations" "umer" "what amma?? he made it na???"" no umer baba did make it..." (no thats not possible) " what... are you sure... amma this is not funny please tell me the truth he made it na???" (he made it na???) " umer no he didnt and its not a big deal dont worry at least we have got each other Allhamdullilah all three of us are healthy he is healthy so what if he didnt make Allah has given us far more then we deserve" " amma where is he??" " i will call him hold on" " hello" "hello baba" " jee paro kisey ho" " baba mein thik ho app kisey hain" " Allhamdullilah" "baba..." " beto kuch nahi hota nahin howa to nahin howa...bus nahin howa"...

"hi i was just calling to inquire about the result..ahm i was told that i would be told about it if i called on this number" "you sure would... what is your name?"(what the hell is my name...think think) "ahm umer, umer jamal it might be under mian umer jamal" (oh god oh god oh god this is it... i might flunk... i dont care i worked hard and i did what ever i could even if i fail this is over thank god its over i will be going back) "Mr Jamal congratulation...(these ediots congratulates even if one fails... bloody farrangis)... you have aquired a high 2:1 degree... a very good 2:1 about 67% congratulations(yipeeeeeeeeeeee i did it) you have got alot celebrate" "yeah i do thank you for your help gerry" (i did it i did it i did it) .

"hello paro baba here" " jee baba how are you" " i am good beto there is a good news i have been posted as comander ___ of punjab" " ohh wow congratulations oh wow where will you be posted??" " in lahore"....

(oh my god i am back... its over... another chapter finished...Allhamdullilah)

"hello is this Umer Jamal" "hmmm yeah yeah thats me" "umer this is eric francise from Nestle pakistan and we would like to offer you an internship at our organization" (thank god something at last) "oh ok sure when and where do i have to come"" u can come...."

"ammaaaaa nothing is going to become of life... nestle is not calling me... i am done with my internship and i am wasting my life... i have nothing to do i wake up at 12 and watch telly all day long and i do nothing i am wasting my life (i have become the loser i always was afraid to become) ... i should go back..." "umer dont worry have u applied any where else.. samina was saying she knows some one at ericsson she might be able to help" " no i dont want to start my career with some ones refernce... i would rather stay home"

" arooj life sucks yara i am soo depressed its like i am stuck and i cant move" "umer this too shall pass dont worry yar"

"hello is this Mr. Umer jamal" "yeaaaah who is this" (its only 9:30 in morning who the hell this could be) "umer this khubaib from telenor...i interviewed you in december...probably when you were working for nestle" " yeah yeah i remember you how are you?" " i am good what are you doing now a days"" not much " (like nothing, i am just waiting day in day out for nestle to call) " ok umer i have got an offer for you we have got a vacancy as a contractual employee at HR in telenor and would you like to join us" ( oh my god this is the same position which i refused ... hell beggers cant be chosers) " yeah sure khubaib i will join you"....

"hello umer" " hello who is this???" "ahhan now that you have left us you have forgotten us..." (ok it sounds like eric) "eric is that you" "yes who else...its me any way listen we here at nestle want you to come for an interview we have a post of management trainee and we would like you to come for that""oh wow sure thats great"....

"bloddy hell...amma that ediot is so freaken irritating do you know what he did today he gave me all of his work on top of mine and had the audacity to tell me that as i am his jonior i have to do his crap... i wish i could tell khubaib abt him... amma please pray that i make it through to nestle" (its been six months but i hope that i make it through to nestle)

"hello is this Mr. Umer Jamal?" " eric you know this is me" " yeah yeah i know i hope i am not calling at a wrong time" (ok here it comes i have not been accepted) " no i was just busy with some work.. so you tell how is everything...really long time and no call no nothing we should get togather some time" "umer i am calling on behalf of nestle and we would like to offer you the position of management trainee OD hr.." ( ok i have gone deaf) " what i am sorry i just went blank i thought you just offered me a position at nestle" " umer i just did"

" khhhhhhhhhuuuuuubbbbaaaaibbbbbbbbb nestle called""and what did they say" "they offered me a position...management trainee" " oh ok congratulation" (thats it... congratulations no umer stay, no you cant go)

"umer i want to show you something""ok khubaib i am just coming" "umer i dont want you to leave telenor nayab has just written this mail to me, manager recruitment and manager od and he has asked us not to let you go and his orders to me is that i cant accept your resignation"(oh wow) " but khubaib ...."

"umer i am offering you a position of executive in either operations or OD what ever you chose but for both you need to go to islamabad, we dont want to lose you" (oh wow Allhamdullilah) " khubaib thank you so much... you know how much difficult it is for me to leave telenor...i will come back but i have to go now i cant except thank you" ( i hope i am not making a mistake).

Lunatic Ramblings

The Alchemist...

2007-07-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

For past couple of days i have been thinking that i need to put the lines of my favourite book in my blog hence following are some of these lines

Its the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.
when some one sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. and then they want the person to change . if some one isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.
worlds greatest lie: at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. that's the world's greatest lie.
The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy and jealousy. to realize one's destiny is a person's only real obligation.
when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
In the long run, what people think about Shepard's and bakers becomes more important for them than their own destinies.
people learn early in their lives what is their reason for being. maybe that's why they give up on it so early too.
If you start out by promising what you don't even have yet you'll lose your desire to work towards getting it.
everything in life has its price.
when each day is same as the next, its because people fail to recognize the good things that happens in their lives everyday that the sun rises.
I'm like everyone else- i see the world in terms of what i would like to see happen, not what actually does.
it was as if the world had fallen silent because the boys soul had.
we have to take advantage when luck is on our side, and do as much to help it as it's doing to help us.
i'm afraid that if my dream is realized, i'll have no reason to go on living.
making a decision is only the beginning of things. when someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had dreamed of when he first made the decision.
the closer one gets to realizing his destiny the more that destiny becomes his true reason for being.
intuition is really sudden immersion of soul into the universe current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because its all written there.
people need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want.
if you can concentrate always on present you'll be a happy man.
eachday in itself brings with it an eternity.
life attracts life
love never keeps a man from persuing his destiny. if he abandons that persuit its because it wasn't true love.
one is loved becauseone is loved. no reason is needed for loving.
if what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. and one can always come back. if what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion you would find nothing on your return.
Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.
There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too
“This is for you,” he said, holding one of the parts out to the monk. “It’s for your generosity ot th epilgrims.”“But this payment goes well beyond my generosity,” the monk responded.“Don’t say that again. Life might be listening, and give you less next time.”

Lunatic Ramblings

Loner Lunatic

2007-07-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Crumbling.....

2007-07-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

crumbling... everything seems to be crumbling... and the surprising bit is that neither that crumbling is happening to me nor i am the cause of the crumbling.... around me all the people i adore seem to be fighting their demons....demons if the form of the most handome humans... men and women..... demons in the form of ambitions.... demons in the form of money.... demons in the form of relationships..... demons in the form of the air they breath... the food they eat.... the water the drink.... the smile which the act....the tears which they shed.... the words they speak... demons all of them are demons.... the darkness which is engulfing them is so dark and so suffocating that now they are at the verge of pouring kerosene on themselves and lighting them selves up with a match just for a little light...but they have to realize that "this too shall pass" and afterwards only the scars will be left.... these scars instead of giving them a horrible look would be the cause of admiration and respect by others... but that would only happen if they themselves keep on beliving in themselves...

we keep on wishing and hoping that we would also be able to do what our icons our ideals did.... we keep on thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.... but what we forget is that what we are seeing is probably only the calm surface of a raging see below... have you everseen the pictures of beautiful lush green forests... dont you yearn to go and see them... just to breath that fresh air.... but the real picture is so different that we are stunned... humid heat.... leeches... pythons... tarentulas... tigers ... centipides... scorpions... all the things which are difficult to handle are there... also everyone knows that there is some one who admire them... who want to be in their shoes just like they way we want to be in some one elses shoes... but we know how difficultly we got what we got... so instead of wishing to be in someone elses shoes we have to understand that everything comes with a price... if you are ready to pay good enough... but what if you pay more then what that thing is really worth...

then there is a thing called love... what love... love is something which is supposed to make you light as air... under its effect one smiles... not feel miserable... because that thing would be so bad in the longer run... what if that love causes you even bigger pain... its more of an addictaion... something you want to get rid of but you cant get rid off because you feel that you would die without it... you feel that tghe flowers will lose their colour... the birds will stop singing... but if things dont stop because some one dies then love is just a feeling... a beautiful feeling but then again... just a feeling.... i know how difficult it is for me to quit smoking... i dont even know for how long but i did it because that was hurting me inside... so if anything which hurts you inside is not worth keeping or having or nurturing... also if you shun something it comes back to you again and again... and this feeling that now that thing is coming for you instead of you running after it is a great feeling... i know i might sound i dont know weired but that is how the world runs... do you best... but DO NOT LET ANYTHING HURT YOU.. nothing has that right to do so... if you are not hurting anyone why should anyone dare to hurt you...

with ambitions too... its a grand thing... but when the balance is lost then it becomes negative... one does achieve what one really wants... and i am talking from experience... but one must know what one is desiring for... one must know if the price which is being paid is worth paying.... one must think over whether that feeling is what we are looking for....just because some one tells you that u have to do it does not mean that one has to do something... we are humans for God sake... we are given brains to think with... our scenarios... histories... memories...secrets.... demons are all different we have to think how we have to go about the life which is infront of us... so crumble you all but remember that this is not the end... this will make you all strong... and this will also vanish like the night vanishes with the approch of sun... and the sun shall rise....

Lunatic Ramblings

The Bloody Facewash...

2007-07-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

So... the face wash... the cursed cursed cursed face wash which instead of giving you a glow a shine on face gives you such a lethargic irritated angry expression that one is surprised why these bloody face wash companies or face wash users market it so much...

well unlike other people i had the tendency to slip and get entagled in the web of it.still remember that i was 9 and enters this gorgeous creature in my life that i was shocked... i mean i was the kind of kid who thought that the only thing in my life would be my pathetic excuse of a pup named speedy... enid blytons and the ultimate desire to eat as much food as possibly i could... those were the times when i had recently came back and everyone was "Off kitna piyara bacha hai" bilkul tum pey gia hai... the times when all the good in me was due to some one and all the faults in me were genetic... lol... come to think of it its still the same... any way in my relitively peaceful life enters a facewash... now imagine this face wash some 12 years senior to me... aspiring to be an artist... and occassionally would throw a smile my way which would make me feel that "mein nao sal ka hoon too kia howa mein sada us ka khial rakhon ga" and the lamest of all " mein us ki har khawaish pori karaon ga" that was sooooooooooooooo lame i mean just writing it down make me feel that why the hell would i fulfill her every deam... i mean why... i had to litterally beg my parents... trick my dada... lie to my nini that i got great grades in order to get a 50 ka note from where the hell i would fullfill her wishes... then the ultamate tragedy struck, face wash thought that it should increase its range and another more masculin version of it came and they had these tiny shitty saches who they lovingly told that " jab tum barey ho gey na to tum bilkul umer bhaia ki tarha hona"or something of the same caliber...
so after that i decided that no more face washes for me... and life would have kept on going smothly.. i mean flunking in exams... smoking... being the cool dude of class (surprisng aint it)... life was good... i was 15 happy and single... enters another bloody face wash... luckily and thankfully of my age... things started we chatted, we liked, we dreamt, we stuck togather for four years and then...... the best thing happened... we grew up... we started feeling tied down... we hormons settled (didnt do anything which i cant tell to my mum... and yes i cant tell her that)... we took a time off which turned to be a way out.... and we finished ... so another face wash came... gave this initial intense pleasure which i never ever felt before by just her presence... her particular perfume smell... her completely makeupless face which use to radiate this particular glow... those beautiful beautiful eyes... and a tongue which could be so sharp that it could cut u in hafe within a nanosecond but the cutting was done so beautifully that that one nanosecond was enough for an eternity... those silent nodes and those complete rejections with those long lashed eyes... but it ended and it ended when we both knew that the the bottle is emplty and a new face wash is required.... i went my way... the face wash was thrown in bin thinking that another one would take its place..... but fortunately the company which manufatured that particular face wash got bankrupt... also due to lack of any desire never really felt like getting meself another ones of those... so now i have completely stopped using these bloody facewashes and i am sticking to a bar of soap.... at least when you wash it of it dosent keep on sticking to your face as if a bird shat on you... ok ok a bird who ate something sweet hence its sweet smelling sticky goey thing on your face all day long... and when the effects starts to be less nausiating we wake up in the morning and again put the stupid face wash all over our face and feel that that would be sufficient enough for us... ha as if....then there are few of us who litteraily have facewashes in their bags... these are the future heroine sniffers who get their highes just by sniffing the bottle.. even though they are told that the particular face wash which they are using or rather sniffing can cause serious skin diseases they are happy with it and are like... so what... it smeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllssssssssss sooooooooooooo niccccccccccccceeeeeee.... and then they are those who have tried a lot of face washes but everytime they have used it they realize that probably that face wash was not the right one which goes with their skin... then they switch to a more expensive face wash... but that measly bottle finishes on 15th of the month... your parents adament not to increase or give u an advance on your pocketmoney... the salary which you got also spent in the first five days of you getting it.... hence all the sources of the face wash being surely emptied one says most sadly "khuda hafiz"(in my case i was more then happy to spit on the pathetic bottle for scarring me) to the empty bottle... keeps it on ones shelf for few months but when a lot of dust settles on it then throwing it also ends the facewash of that sort... but as we dont know there is one face wash for everysingle skin type... so till the time one dosent find the most appropriate facewas one should not get hooked on to it.... for me till that time so soaps zinda bad... soap pianda bad.

Lunatic Ramblings

Haze Of Desire...

2007-07-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

the desire for everything has come to such a peak that its unbearable.... overwhelming...
i feel alive... i feel human again.... after avery long time i feel as if i am as light as air.... the guilt which use to strangle my heart has evaporated.... i want to do things because now i want too not because i have too. this desire to love fierecly... to laugh carelessly.... to run unstopabbly... to sleep peacefully... to cry uninhabbitidly...to shout loudly.... all of these desire have reached an apex and i am high on them.... and i am happy some how .... i know that what ever shit i am going through will be over... and i know that the shit through which joora, taneez, rabbaj, niassuh are going through will be over too... this too shall pass...just like the tortourus classes with sir rauf... at least we have eachother... for how long no one knows... but why bother about whats to come in future while we can savour every moment, every memory, every laughter, every tear, every word with eachother.... i like the following poem...hence i am puting it in....
H earts in harmony anticipate
A nswers well before a question’s put.
Z ones dark freed for light play magic flute
E mpathy inspires, all senses sate.
O pen door, therefore, unlocks each gate -
F inds minds aligned, joy unconfined takes root
D efying Time as inner ear, acute,
E xtends beyond the patterned web of Fate.
S urrender self, cast out cares fast, relate.
I ntuitively, rune-tune absolute
R esponds with trust all envy must confute, -
E nchantment shared which never need abate.
N one seeks sense or defense when hearts sincere,
OW n not but share, with motives crystal clear.

Lunatic Ramblings

Realizations....

2007-06-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

i have been coming on my blog every night for past whole week and have written so many things but everytime i just couldnt bring my self to actually publish what i was really thinking, probably because everytime somehow what i thought and what i wrote never concided. last whole week has been a strange sort of week. had an extreme sucess and had an extreme loss, but right now both the success and the loss seems to be just another thing. i didnt completely lost it like i use to at the loss but i sure hell acted so well that i could have fooled my own mum. with success its the same. its not that i am ungreatful to ALLAH on the contrary i am so humbled that there are no words for it.

its said that time heals every wound but with me the time is not passing but the wounds are being healed automatically. time is just still, static stopped. that yearn that need is not of that frequency which used to be. for me being all by my self is not as bad as ithought that it would be. about a week ago one of my friends said rather told me that i need to be in a relationship or that i should have a girlfriend. and i told him that i dont really require one. and that is the reality because if i commit i commit completely and if i dont then i dont. i just cant be unsure and god knows that there are other so many things in life about which i am so unsure. why would i need to add another unsurity on top of that. i am not saying that this relationship dosent work because it does for some people. and i hope that those who are in it are just sure about it because we are ourselves branding ourselves. branding is the process by which the farmers mark their catle by stamping them with red hot iron design. so initially everything is hot painfull and later own it does cool down but that design that mark always stays on ones soul. some hide it some show it of but the fact is that mark stays.

some times the mark is put on us. even if we dont want it... i would rephrase the last sentence we want it but we dont want it because we have this capacity for standing up for ourselves. inside us some thing breaks and we let people mark us forever. if you are with old people you can see so many marks in their eyes when the talk abt their past abt other people abot their spouses about their children. so every one gets the marks the stamps. i remember the glow in my Nani's eyes when ever she use to talk about my Nana. there was a certain sort of spark in her eyes, a certain special smile just for him even though he had died thirty years before her death... even if she would recall a certain incident which was not exactly pleasent there was the smile and you could feel how she felt... for her that was it.... i want that for my life....not just a girlfriend whom i would forget five years later.... some people would say that its wish ful thinking and that it is all fantasy dreams etc.... so what if they are.... when leanordo di vici followed his dreams and invented the basis of his flying machine people of his time use to say that he is insane and that he is losing his marbles but now people say that he is great just because he followed his dreams... ther is a strange thing with people in which i am included...if some one succed then what ever he did was great but if some one fail we simply refuse to accept that probably he also did something right...
friends leave a mark on you... i would know because with all the travelling i have had loads of friends out of which not even one is here whom i befriended sixyears ago.... i have a group of completely new individuals.... they are now puting their marks adding their flavour putting their colour on the canvas of my soul.... i dont know whether they would still be their after five years... but one thing i know now that some one does take place of the past people but the individuals leave their marks.... and i am so greatful to everyone and i mean everyone... those who who brought smiles to my face and to even those who brought tears because if they were not there i would have learnet to appreciate the joy of laughing so completely that you feel that you would burst and also the satisfying relaxation which you only get by letting all your guards down and wail on top of your lungs .... hence all is well... like it always is....

Lunatic Ramblings

We Are Many

2007-06-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

Of the many men whom I am, whom we are,
I cannot settle on a single one.
They are lost to me under the cover of clothing
They have departed for another city.

When everything seems to be set
to show me off as a man of intelligence,
the fool I keep concealed on my person
takes over my talk and occupies my mouth.

On other occasions, I am dozing in the midst
of people of some distinction,
and when I summon my courageous self,
a coward completely unknown to me
swaddles my poor skeleton
in a thousand tiny reservations.

When a stately home bursts into flames,
instead of the fireman I summon,
an arsonist bursts on the scene,
and he is I. There is nothing I can do.
What must I do to distinguish myself?

How can I put myself together?
All the books I read
lionize dazzling hero figures,
brimming with self-assurance.
I die with envy of them;
and, in films where bullets fly on the wind,
I am left in envy of the cowboys,
left admiring even the horses.

But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,
and so I never know just WHO I AM,
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear.

While I am writing, I am far away;
and when I come back, I have already left.
I should like to see if the same thing happens,
to other people as it does to me,
to see if as many people are as I am,
and if they seem the same way to themselves.

When this problem has been thoroughly explored,
I am going to school myself so well in things
that, when I try to explain my problems,
I shall speak, not of self, but of geography.

Pablo Neruda

Lunatic Ramblings

To Live is to be free

2007-06-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Just another town, another train
Waiting in the morning rain
Look in my restless soul, a little patience
Just another town, another train
Nothing lost and nothing gained
Guess I will spend my life in railway stations
Guess I will spend my life in railway stations
When you wake I know you'll cry
And the words I wrote to say goodbye
They won't comfort you at all
But in time you will understand
That the dreams we dreamed were made of sand
For a no-good bum like me
To live is to be free

Lunatic Ramblings

Mine :-)

2007-06-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

LALA

2007-06-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

never thought that any one would call me that.
brings the most contended feeling when called lala... thank you for doing so.... you have no idea how great it feels....and yeah this is for you....bless you.

IF...

2007-06-11T11:54:00.001-07:00

if you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
but make allowance for their doubting too;
if you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
or being lied about, dont deal in lies,
or being hated,dont give way to hating,
and yet dont look too good, nor talk too wise:

if you can dream--and not make dreams your master;
if you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
if you can meet with triumph and disaster
and treat those two imposters just the same;
if you can bear to hear the truth youve spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
and stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

if you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
and lose, and start again at your beginnings
and never breath a word about your loss;
if you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone,
and so hold on when there is nothing in you
except the will which says to them: "hold on!"

if you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
if all the men count with you,but none too much;
if you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds' worth of distance run--
yours is the earth and everything thats in it,
and--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

by Rudyard Kipling

(this poem was given to me by my father on my 23 birthday, and i would really like to pass it on to my friends niassuh, rabbaj & yhom)

Back Again

2007-06-10T03:27:00.000-07:00

at last i am in... never thought that i will be able to get back in but thanks to joora and taneez i am in. any way...
for past couple of days so many thoughts so many things so many words have been coming to me and now that i have actually sat down to write them i am suddenly all blank... so much has happened since last i came here... made friends... got close to few people.... lost friends some due to because i could see that instead of bringing satisfaction we were just bringing misery by just our presence... been an eventful sort of a year.... things have changed ... the death which was always present has made it self more visable now... and the thing is its not that dark and gloomy anymore... this might sound really sucidal which trust me i am not but the thing is that what is so wrong with death... dying... dead... i mean dosent everything perish.... we always feel when something which our apparent senses could understand dies.. it could be a really beautiful touch me not plant, or it could be a delicate crystal, or it could be a really colourful bird... or human being...our senses are suddenly in a turmoil... the absence of that particular smell, the absence of that particul colour, the absence of that particular touch is missed but what abt the death of those things which we cannot explain from our these senses... i mean what abt the gradual death of love, what abt the death of intense hate, what abt the death of yearning feeling of being with someone. all these things do dye and sometimes this death brings a sense of freedom a sense of relife a sense of space... so that is how death has made itself more visable. and its not that bad...
anyway i am really happy to be back here... there will be more post definatelly from now on wards... (hopefully) :)

Lunatic Ramblings

tAggEd!

2006-10-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

*tagged by joora
i am thinking about:
the mess called life
i said:
what i shouldnt have
i want to:
live life to max
i wish:
to be the best
i miss:
my euphamisim
i hear:
temptations
i wonder:
whether this is it
i regret:
nothing
i am:
what others expected of me
i dance:
with my two left feet
i sing:
the same shitty crap
i cry:
i dont... scientafically proven cigaretts close the tear ducts
i am not always:
this honest
i write:
what others dont
i confuse:
acuintances with long lasting friends
i need:
faith
i should try:
to act a little normal
i finish:
my personality

frustration part 2

2006-06-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

i always thought that as i would grow up things would be more easier to handle. thigs would be easier to manage or plain simply they would start to make sense. but now that i am old they sem to become more and more complex. i have completely lost track of what is right and what is wrong. so many people are around me but all i can see is a blur of grey. feelings, smiles, tars nothing affects me now. nothing and i dont know whether i like it or i dont. friends who i used to enjoy stting with talking with all seem to be made out of clay. i dont find any comfort in their company. my tounge seems to be ripped out of my head. i dont taste anything cant talk anything . i smile but so do the statues in the park. and the worst bit is that i am not even sad or depressed. nor i am confusedbut nothing around me is making sense. i always used to think that people are like water. the ones which are like rain drops bring comort to those who have been scorched by the hardships which the world burns them with. then there are people who are likea river. fast flowing always moving from one place to another those who have had a lot of experiences and are always ready for more. then there are tose who are like a lake. these are the beautiful people. unblemished by any filth. thease are the ones who beautify anything with their presence. to balance these lakes there are some which are like stagnant pools. these are the ones which are filled with muck and filth. they only exist just to make things difficult. hold others down. suffocate them. andthen there are those which are like sea. deep. they have seen it all. they have beenn a raindrop, the river, the lake and the stanant pool. they know the limitations and potentials of other waer bodies because they have been one or another at on point of time.

Lunatic Ramblings

frustration

2006-06-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

i think i am going mad or probbably i have been mad all my life its just that i have realized now.
what in the gods name is happening to this world. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i feal like shouting screaming biting abusing fighting kicking and mokking and god knows what........... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its so stupid. why the hell cant people be straight forward and honest. either its one of your ediotic friends who is offened at you about which you have no idea.. or its some stupid girl who is ruiing her life because she likes you.... or its some stupid relative who just because you are doing better then there moronic kid is tryin to find an weakness of yours to exploit...why dont these people have the balls to come and say it to your face.. i mean if i am honest with them then they should be too... this is so stupid. fucking artificial peple with there fake smiles and there venemous hearts... and then why in the gods name one has to lose the people who one is actually comfortable with. either that ediot who u like is fromesome other fucking country or that stupid persons time is up and that ediot has to go and die.. i feel like as if my soul is rotting away...shewwwwwwwwwwww

Lunatic Ramblings

too kia haii....

2006-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

har aik baat pey kehtey hoo tum key too kia hai...
tumhi kaho key yeah andaz-e-goftagoo kia hai...
ragoon mein thordthey phirney key hum nahin kaial...
jab ankh hii sey na tapka too phir laho kia haii....
chipak raha hai badan pey lahoo sey pehrahan
hamari jaib ko abb hajat-e-rafoo kia hai....
jala hai jism jahan dil bhi jal gia ho ga....
kuraidate ho jo abb raaz justagoo kia hai...
har aik baat pey kehtey hoo key too kia hai...
rahaein na takatey guftar aur yakeen ho bhi...
too kis umeed pey khiey key arazzo kia hai...
haar aik baat pey kehtey hoo key too kia hai...
tumhi kahoo key yeah andaz-e-guftagoo kia hai...

for joora & niassuh

2006-05-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

i am not much of a writer and it is very seldom that i would especially write something for someone. for the time bein joora the hope and niassuh the strong are two charecters who have suddenly became very special to me. hence this posting is just for them.
life is not a box of choclate. one does know what is coming, what is going what would taste like what, what should be done what should not be done, but still we do keep on doing things, some because we cant help ourselves for example love, some things which we have to do, example smile, some which is expected of us example respect. we know the consequences of our doings but still we keep on doing those things. but in the process we kind of become the people which we dont think we are. we start to depend on things, people, the tic tac of the clock. but is it inportant i think not.
birthdays are a time when one realizes what one did the past year and for me it is the worst day of my life. well it used to be. always a guilt always a shame. friends who are there just because they like the person who you have so masterfully been pretending to be. so why cry infront of these "friends" who might see thee real you through the tears. i am not saying tha all the people who are "friends" dont know the real you. but the are very few. very very few. so sometimes i guess it is far better to cry infront of the stranger in you. at least it wont hurt you.
who said life would be simple. lfe was meant to mess up people, especially those who have been tryin there level best to make the best out of it.
grief something which should be there on the mantle of ones heart reminding of the importance of the little small happiness which comes along the way. a genuine smile, a tight hug, a paratha, it could be anyting. but that grief is there for like ones own medal to prove that he can now act another charecter.but grief is not the main thing should not be the main thing.
and the world does conspires but we tend to be too impatient to enjoy or even see the conspiracy. we get tierd we want everything fast. we get suffocated by the glass palaces. which is understandable too. but if only we just wait. it could take an eternity but after initial few time one eventually doe become a stone. which isnt bad because then the false soft mushy things which can hurt you the most just dont effect you. you smile, you respond you act but they become meaningless.
one becomes a tree of winter which looks dead and bare but then summer comes with th sunlight and every stem the sunlight touches seems to become alive with the energy pased to it by the sun. this for us can be a flower, a pack of cigrette, a wraper, hell it can be anything. these are the things which genuinly are there, even there existance might be known by only and only us but still they are there. these do increase but only and nly if one is ready to become dead for them. smile and act and play along. with all the false mushiness the real thing does come along. so one justhas to wait enough. cry enough, smile enough.
one has to keep oneself open oneself a loner onself a little lunatic.
so my dearest joora and niassuh remeber its alrite to be alone, to question oneself to cry to be a little crazy, because for the next few years if you allow me i will b there for your shit as the irritating stranger and then i would also dissapear like all those who made this claim...

Lunatic Ramblings

one art

2006-05-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
by elizebeth bishop

who will...

2006-05-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

who will cry for the little boy
lost and all alone...
who will cry for the little boy
abandoned with his own...
who will cry for the little boy
he cries himself to sleep...
who will cry for the little boy
who never have keep...
who will cry for the little boy
who walked the burning sand...
who will cry for the little boy
a boy inside the man...
who will cry for the little boy
who knew well hurt and pain...
who will cry for the little boy
who died and died again...
who will cry for the little boy
a good boy he tried to be...
who will cry for the little boy
who cries inside of me.

(not mine but really liked it)

so...

2006-04-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

and i the eclipsed paradigm of a soul is here... that sure is one heck of a messed up name... but who cares as long as the freak in me can pretand that its alrite....